Background Analysis -- Why Am I Cumming?

It's been an extremely long time, relatively speaking, since I've been permitted to cum. It's been a much shorter time since I've actually had an orgasm. What this means is that I've had several accidental orgasms (each essentially masturbatory sessions that went just a little too far) over the past month or so. Not many, (they seem to be spaced about a week apart on average) but way more than I'm comfortable with. And honestly, I don't know why this is happening. It's not like this hasn't happened before. That is, with relative ease I could masturbate and not orgasm. Now it seems I'm having trouble going beyond a week or so. I've even tried not masturbating as often, which hasn't helped; I didn't masturbate at all until one time, and then that time I accidentally pushed myself just over the edge.

This is very emotionally frustrating. I get pissed with myself for being unable to keep my word, essentially a vow and promise to my girlfriend, whom I care for at a remarkable, unspeakable degree, and who I know must be so disappointed in me right now. It's even sexually unsatisfying (though it does provide relief (sidenote: I should elaborate, in the future, on the differences between sexual satisfaction and the physical sensations of relief)).

This is something I've been thinking about for pretty much the whole month, running in my head as a background process (which is computer geek speak for "as a back-burner issue"). The only reason it hasn't come to the forefront is because Real Life™ is taking up so dang much of my energy and time right now. The good news, on that front, is that it's not only work things but also spend-real-quality-time-with-her things, like rollerblading and reading in parks. This is great, but it is in sharp contrast to how I'm feeling about us sexually, where I feel like a disappointment to her and a failure to myself.

Worse, I fear that this pattern is breeding a situation where we have become less sexual. Ironically, my failure to remain true to my word and not to orgasm means that, somehow, we're not as sexually playful as we once were. Then again, it's hard to tell how much of this is due to Real Life™ and how much is due to my broken promises.

One concerning thing I have been able to identify very recently, however, is that I've become expectant that sexual advances from her would be very short-lived (possibly as a side effect of the lack of sexualness in general). When we're kissing, we're doing so only for a short time and it usually doesn't progress to any substantial sexual activity. Sometimes, again, this is a Real Life™ issue because, for instance, I'm working on a project or catching up on email or news feeds. Nevertheless, I miss kissing her, or being kissed by her, and having that lead to me going down on her, or her masturbating me, or controlled sex, or something. But of course, I shouldn't just whine about it. I should initiate way more sexual encounters. Earlier this month I was truly remiss in this regard, but then for a week I was sick with a fever and this week I have to get up at 5 AM all week so I'm exhausted, so I haven't really gotten the opportunity yet. That said, I will certainly be sure to engage her soon when I can.

This has all been boiling in me for a while, but it was brought to the surface today by my exhaustion and the fact that I have the house to myself until she comes home (she had a late shift at work). When I'm exhausted, and alone, and am permitted to masturbate, I often do so because I get horny. (See earlier post about sleepiness and horniness.) So I did. By my records (which I've made extra sure to keep accurate ever since some confusion arose some weeks ago), my last (accidental) orgasm was on the 25, meaning it's been a little under a week.

So I'm primed again...horny. But I didn't cum this time. I didn't let myself get that close to "danger." I'm trying to think about what may be different about now than, say, a few months ago, when a week was standard fair. Honestly, the only real thing I can think of is that I'm (mostly) clean-shaven now (yes, meaning I shaved my pubic hair), but I don't see how that would be a reason. Then again, I know, like most males, I'm exceptionally visually oriented in my sexual fantasies and thoughts and this certainly is a major visual change...so it's not outside the realm of possibility that it's simply more arousing when I masturbate.

But that feels like a half-truth at best and I trust my instincts about me. So clearly, more background processing on this needs to occur. I'm hoping to enjoy a highly sexual, hopefully mutually stimulating sexual experience with her soon (with bondage and toys and bears, oh my) and I think that will help. I know that, strangely, I am more apt to remain successfully chaste if sexual activity is more frequent than if it's less frequent. So maybe that's a part of it too….

::background processes…::