maymay's blog

You know, I was sitting here contemplating the notion of whether or not I should write another entry here or just take the opportunity to archive my writings and store them elsewhere, when it occured to me how frustrating it is that I was sitting here contemplating the notion of whether or not I should write another entry here.

I have been a somewhat isolated poster and a lurker for a while, at least in my own perception if not in other's. I rarely wrote anything with the intent for others to read this (except maybe my girlfriend, who keeps close tabs on this journal for obvious reasons). However, and rather out of character, I find myself instead of writing to an audience of myself, writing to those I know will read this entry. Frankly, (due to the discussion in this link) I am feeling like I don't want to write here anymore, and that is upsetting.

Here are a few things I was looking at today while idling online with some Google searches. Rather interesting things come to mind from each of these, which I haven't the energy to elaborate upon tonight. That said, this entry might serve as a reminder for me to write about these things more in the future.

Orgasm Pill: A problem or a solution for women? is an iVillage.com article that (probably unknowingly) asks some interesting questions in regards to the male role in a future where women can orgasm on-demand. Specifically, what use is the man for a woman when her sexual appetite is satisfied by other means?

I was browsing around some story sites tonight, and amazingly I came across four of my old favorites, that I'd wanted to find for years. They are my fantasies (possibly the most riveting ones I've ever had) and are reported as another's reality. Although the thought scares me sometimes, deep down I think this is the kind of teasing I truly want.

In lieu of paraphrasing what these fantasies have said, let me instead quote my highlighted favorites from the two which are written as "advice" for others. (The final two are written as experiences of scenes the couple enjoyed.) The quoted bits are emphasized, and the regular text is my commentary, where I have something to say.

Briefly there have been some very good recent experiences that I want to remember. I find myself back on another business trip this week, hornier than I can remember being in a long time. This is not due to any abnormal amount of masturbation (there has been plenty of that for a long time...) but rather due to a fantastic experience last night where (somewhat unexpectedly) my girlfriend and I had some amazingly great sex. What made it so amazingly great was that she really got off on it (twice) and I did not and she remarked how much she enjoyed the fact that I was so obviously still aroused. The sex yesterday was very, very clearly intended for her pleasure; we had just come from the shower (one of my favorite times for sexual activity) and I started kissing her lightly, then going down on her, and soon she ordered me into her.

I have a confession to make. I really like this notion of playing "games" to provide a controlled randomization to our sexual variety. Or in not such an analytical tone, mixing it up a little by creating sexy scenarios is really hot. There were two new things today: a box full of "punishments" (or more accurately, consequences) and the count of fallen petals from a bouquet of two dozen roses.

It was mutually decided recently by my girlfriend and I that the box full of consequences is a lottery I'll have to draw from if I have an accidental orgasm. The consequences are pretty arbitrary and range from romantic gestures such as the purchase of jewelry for my beloved, to corporal punishments with various instruments, to flat-out monetary fines, and other things. (Sidenote: write more about the monetary fines; they were actually my idea, but pose an inherent awkwardness to my personal values that both turns me on and makes me uncomfortable at the same time.)

I don't really have too much to write about tonight...although that's a lie, of course I do. It's late, though, and I haven't the presence of mind to think about it in too much depth right now. There's been some ups and downs lately revolving around general sexual activity, but as is usually the case, it all boils down to communication. Sometimes, even with an amazing and endlessly accepting partner, I still find it inexplicably difficult to express wants and needs, especially when it comes to sexual things. I don't really know why that is, but it's frustrating and is something I should think more about.

Lately I've been feeling very sexual. Naturally, I'm usually horny and feeling like I'm interested in sex and sexual activity, but I've been doing the thing where I'm simply walking down the street and begin fantasizing about sex acts with the attractive female strangers who walk by. This is striking because I'm usually more gender-neutral in my desires, but this most recent rash of sexual fantasies has been entirely focused on women either dominating me or being dominated by me.

I have a couple of explanations for this. Of course, it should be noted that my last orgasm has now been about a week ago, which is exactly the time frame that I've been remaining chaste lately. But this is nothing new and I don't think makes a difference in this case.

It's been an extremely long time, relatively speaking, since I've been permitted to cum. It's been a much shorter time since I've actually had an orgasm. What this means is that I've had several accidental orgasms (each essentially masturbatory sessions that went just a little too far) over the past month or so. Not many, (they seem to be spaced about a week apart on average) but way more than I'm comfortable with. And honestly, I don't know why this is happening. It's not like this hasn't happened before. That is, with relative ease I could masturbate and not orgasm. Now it seems I'm having trouble going beyond a week or so. I've even tried not masturbating as often, which hasn't helped; I didn't masturbate at all until one time, and then that time I accidentally pushed myself just over the edge.

The other day, she and I were talking about a presentation we attended. In it, the presenter made the point that it is very much okay to leave something holy to the relationship; that is, to keep something, an act, a symbol, something, special between two people. So afterwards, she asked "Do we keep anything like that holy between us?" I thought for a few moments. A good question. Then, surprised it had even taken me this long to realize it, I said, "Yeah. I only orgasm when you let me."

Simple enough, it seemed, though the implication has seeded my fantasies once again. Others can play with me, but I'll refrain from cumming (as best I can) from their ministrations. We've yet to really act upon this. The closest thing we got was when we were headed home from a beach trip with a couple of close friends and (don't ask me how this started -- I can't remember) one of them began to tease me in the backseat.

A few days more than a week ago, my girlfriend and I sat down for a much-needed review of our D/s dynamic. It had been the case that, for most of the year-and-some-months we had been together, I had very rarely even touched myself for pleasure unless she explicitly allowed it at that moment. This became so second-nature to us that we didn't even realize it was almost a part of the relationship, and even though we both enjoy the dominance and control she has over me, she needed a reminder that I was still my own person and not merely a controlled puppet. I both understand and appreciate that from her.