odevelina's blog

I'm turned on by D/s (femdom), but I don't really like this concept. I don't like the idea of being somebody's slave. I think it's destructive for the personality. Because I don't think it's natural or healthy (I'm not judging anybody, who thinks otherwise), I'm spending a lot of my time thinking about the core of this thing, about why is it turning me on and there are some of my conlusions:

The last couple of days I realised, I'm an egoist and a niggard. My horoscope tells me this, my GF told me this, but I've never realised the depth of this issue. I was telling myself that everybody is selfish and it's nothing special that I am also, but like I said, I realised the depth of this shit in me and I'm wondering where it is comming from. For now, I don't know, but it's a bit scary.

I'm posting this here, because I applied my recent discovery in my thoughts about D/s relationships and for the moment I'm just searching for the connection between egoism and the form/the expression of sexuality in me (in men in general).

In one of my previous posts I wrote, I would analyze exactly what turns me on and then try to change it, because I don't like the idea of being turned on by the D/s scene.

So far I think I've found the hidden core of any D/s (on the 's' side) or any orgasm control (on the 'giving up' side) relationship - it's the need for being taken care of.

In my sexual experiences, pain is always there. It's like I need to feel pain to prepare myself for sex. I never really thought about it in this concrete way, but now it's the time.

I think it's because in my mind, sex is asociated with something animal. It's sex for me an animal behaviour? Am I in need of pain because I need to feel like an animal? And I don't mean because it's dirty, but to feel like a man, real MAN.

This weekend it hit me like a bolt from the blue. In the past, I was very upset with the situation where I was turned on by imaging being an 's' in D/s, but in the same time I don't really want to be an 's'. Last weekend brought me an excelent idea. What if I'm not turned on by being an 's'? What if I'm turned on by making someone an 's'? I've never had an D/s relationship, I only fantasized about it and when I fantasized about it, I was turned on by it, but I was never happy about my 's' position in it in the long run.

So, now I'm a bit confused, but on the other hand I feel relieved. If it's like I think it is (I'm more of the D side, or can be), it would by exactly, what I need.

Last couple of days I was thinking about Judgement and Perception like it's explained by MBTI and I tried to apply it on my sex life. In my opinion, it's the Perception, which is partly responsible for getting turned on by being "abused". I perceive and perceive and I have not the slightest idea of what I want. I only know, what I don't want and that's my bad.

At first I want to explain, that my blog is on large part off-topic. Maybe there are better places to start blog like mine, but I like it here. I'm writing it to externalize my thoughts and my feelings, because I believe it's the only way I can have another, better, evolved thoughts. It's like when you have a shelf. If you want put something new in it, you must take something old out.

Thing are changing. It's nothing new, right? :)

A joke for the start:

My family was so poor, that if I weren't born a boy I haven't nothing to play with...

:)

It's been 5 days. Not a long time, but I'm starting to feel the need for release. Five days ago my GF "emptied" me and day after that she leaved for London. She denies me nothing, but I want to deny myself. My goal is to put my releasing on hold and wait two months by all means. I never been without masturbating so long, but now it is the time.

Yesterday, after I've posted my first blog entry, I've got a comment and when I was replying on this comment I've realised, that being my own guru, my own master is really a big deal, it's transition from child to an adult, it's being responsible for my own life. Having someone who makes the decisions is an easy way.

Why would I deny myself? Why should I deny myself, if after the orgasm I feel free and can think more clearly? What's the reason?

1. The thrill of it. How far can I go? Can I become my own hero?

2. Feeling of losing control. In my daily life, I'm sort of a control freak. I know what is going on, who is doing what with whom and so on.

3. Overcoming my egoism. Masturbating is always about me and my needs. It's similar like egoistic sex. I don't want to be a egoist.

4. My girlfriend. She want's me to be dominant, to desire her, but I'm not. Its because I lose my energy on my job, in helping people overcoming their weaknesses, on my fantasies and so on. I really care for her and I want her to be happy as never.